She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
