"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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