Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
