I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
