Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
