so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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