Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
