Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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