SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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