I wish I could punch you in the face.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
handjob tips. give me some.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
