You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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