i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
