upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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