So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
