i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
