So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
