Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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