Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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