woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
