ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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