just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
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