just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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