eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
