I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
