Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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