You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Houston, we have a squirter
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
