No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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