Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
In the future we'll all be gay
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
