he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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