Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
