Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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