Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
