shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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