I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
