i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
