I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I am spending my child support on dildos
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
