She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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