Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
