Will you blow on my dice?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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