The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
