Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
