listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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