There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
