She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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