that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
