The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
