I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
