Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
