the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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