Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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