I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize