I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
