Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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