i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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