I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Randomize