I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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