Will you blow on my dice?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You're like the curious george of whores
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
