i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
