And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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