i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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