3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
how can u be prego again
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
