On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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