This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
