There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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