Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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