I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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